A project about my relationship with reality, physical life and experiences of light forms of dissociation or the disconnect with life I have, sometimes.
I called this 'To be here' because it is about, what it does to me, to be 'present'.
Just a small warning, it's quite a lot of text. Feel free to just scroll through the artworks though.
During my course on coaching, some years ago, one of the coaches mentioned that sometimes I come across dissociated. I did not hear of that term before that, so I did some reading and research on it. I discovered there are different definitions of dissociation and disconnection. One is the general term of people sometimes not really 'being here', the other is the more serious mental disorder.
Sometimes I feel more or less disconnected from life or people around me. I can feel detached of the systems we live in work in. It has several reasons that I discovered throughout life. Luckily I don't have dissociative disorder, but sometimes I do feel like I can recognize some of depersonalisation or derealisation, just because I don't feel so connected.
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What is the source of it then, you ask?
Well it's a mix. Of course throughout life I've learned more and more about myself. And sometimes that was because of mental struggles, but whereas for some people the general mental health care (psychologist/therapy) would work well, for me it didn't do as much. This has partly to do with a different way/level of thinking (I've been tested as highly gifted as a child), but also with the lack of recognition of myself in how they 'treated' me, but I think that also has to do with the general approach of mental struggles in western/european countries. It's a lot of 'logic' and intellectualisation whereas there needs to be a lot more focus on inner feelings and making people feel okay with 'just being'.
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And then throw some other things in this recipe mix: an 'interesting' upbringing with 'not the best' attachment style, some fun panic attacks and anxiety issues, and a little extra sprinkling on top, because I don't feel as much at home in my own body because. You get a special elixer with that :).
Of course I had to learn to take care of myself more and that it's okay to be myself. In a way that means I have to accept that I can't change as much to that feeling of disconnect. I (need to) realize over and over that I'm not like everyone else and that I need to give attention to my inner feelings, through my bodily sensations and breath and through ways that do bring me connection to this life in the right places.
Sometimes I have the feeling I'm not alone in this. That it's a systemic problem too: Our systems where we focus on work, money, ego etc. is bringing a lot of issues to the more sensitive people. But we are in fact the ones that are in control over our lives, we can decide what to do with it in the end.
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One day my hope and goal is to find other people that feel similar, to help other people, with it. It's one of the reasons I became a coach actually. But I also would like to share this more visually, so something like an exhibition would actually be nice, or making/sharing a 'zine'. I think it would be good that when other people have this same feeling, they don't feel alone with it, especially seeing there isn't a lot that the general mental health care does for it. We have to find other ways, so I'm part of that.
